How to Mess with Captain Archer's Mind
by Frakme
Summary: Spoilers for the season 3 episode "Twilight" 12 years, that is a long time to have to spend each day telling Captain Archer everything that happened to him between the original infection and the present he is currently in. What if the crew decided to give a T'Pol a break now again and have a little fun while they are at it? Rated M for sexual situations (non-graphic). AU.


Spoilers for the season 3 episode "Twilight"

12 years, that is a long time to have to spend each day telling Captain Archer everything that happened to him between the original infection and the present he is currently in.

What if the crew decided to give a T'Pol a break now again and have a little fun while they are at it?

Because I am not that sick a bunny, I've decided that in this AU, they did manage to save Earth but ended up permanently stranded in the Expanse and found a nice planet to settle down on.

Crackfic, AU, OOC especially evil!Trip :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing here do this for fun not money.

**How to Mess with Captain Archer's Mind**

Archer had just gone to bed after another tiring and fruitless day. T'Pol sat in the kitchen of their home, nursing a cup of tea. She heard a soft rapping on the door and got up to open it.

"Captain Tucker," she inclined her head towards the blond Engineer turned Captain, standing at the door. "It is late."

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that." He said, apologetically. "But there was somethin' I wanted to ask you."

"Please come in. Would you care for some tea?"

Tucker shook his head.

"I ain't plannin' to stay long," he said. "Just wanted to tell ya that I really think ya should let some of the crew spend the day with Jon, 'stead of ya."

"This is my duty and mine alone," said T'Pol firmly. "I thank you for your consideration but it is not necessary."

"I 'ppreciate that, T'Pol." replied Tucker, "But the crew really wants to do this. Even if it was jus' to give ya a break once a month, the crew would be more than happy to do this."

"I shall consider your offer, Captain."T'Pol said.. "I shall meditate and let you know my decision in the morning."

"That's great, well ya know where to find me. I'll see maself out." Tucker opened the door and left.

The next morning when Captain Tucker checked his messages, he found he had one from T'Pol. Tucker grinned broadly as he read it. He then a message out to the senior staff.

**From: Tucker, C**

**To: Cutler, E; Hayes, J; Mayweather, T; Reed, M; Sato H; Hayes, J; Mayweather, T.**

Operation Mind Fuck is ready for action.

Suggestions and plans of operation should be submitted to me by 0800 tomorrow.

Captain Tucker.

Tucker pressed 'send' and sat back, with an uncharacteristically evil smile on his face. He had one dilly of an idea and all he needed was to convince Reed to cooperate. Within a few days, the senior staff had some pretty good ideas. Now all they needed to do was get what they needed to put them into action.

"I think it would safe, sir," said Malcolm, "That the less Sub-commander T'Pol knows about this, the better." A few barely repressed sniggers from the rest of the staff in the Situation room seem to suggest this was probably a good idea.

Archer woke up and immediately realised he wasn't in his own bed. He looked around at his surroundings, the last thing he remembered was being in a corridor, pulling T'Pol free from a bulkhead that had trapped her, when an anomaly had hit the ship.

He quickly ascertained he was no longer on the ship. He got out of bed, spotting a robe on a chair, he put it on. As he left the room, he realised he could smell bacon cooking. He decided to follow the smell. It took him to a small kitchen, where to his surprise, Hoshi Sato, sporting a new shorter hair do, was cooking breakfast.

"Morning Sir", she said. "Breakfast is nearly ready then I'll explain why you are here."

Hoshi served them breakfast and filled in the Captain.

"...so we are pretty much stuck here," concluded Hoshi.

Archer looked stunned, it was a lot to take in. At least Earth was safe now.

"So how are things with you, Hoshi? Why are you here, did you draw the short straw?" Archer joked.

"I volunteered, Captain," she protested. "Actually we have been taking turns. Many of the crew are living planet side, we have a crew on Enterprise headed up by Captain Tucker, he takes the ship to go trading for supplies."

"Are the crew alright?"

"Yes but there have been a few changes. Life here has been tough."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Oh that will be Tina!" Said Hoshi, getting up to open the door. When she did, Jon saw a tall, black and very attractive woman came through. Who looked strangely familiar.

"Travis?"

Archer stood open mouthed in shock. Hoshi gently pressed a finger against his chin to close his mouth.

"This really is getting old, Hoshi honey" said Tina, in a deep but feminine voice, offering an air kiss to the communication officer.

"Anyway, you are bringing Mr Archer to the performance, aren't you?"

Hoshi smiled.

"Absolutely, I know Major Hayes and the MACOs have been practising for a week!"

Jonathan was still reeling from the shock of finding out his former helmsman was now a helmswoman.

"Have you seen Amanda? She was looking very pleased with herself when I saw her yesterday," asked Hoshi.

"Haven't you heard? She's pregnant!", gushed Tina. Hoshi squealed.

"Oh my God, that is great!", squealed Hoshi.

By this time Archer had recovered.

"Who's the lucky father?", he asked.

The two women looked at each other.

"Perhaps we'd better let Liz explain.", said Tina. "She is due to come down, soon with her husbands."

Archer looked askance at Tina.

"Did you say husbands?"

Hoshi nodded.

"Well the men do have the women outnumbered, sir." Hoshi explained. "We had to find some way to solve the problem and ensure harmonious relations amongst the crew so we could start having babies. That also explains Tina here. Travis really did draw the short straw, then!"

"She's just kidding, sir" said Tina reassuringly. "I always knew deep down this was who I really am."

As promised there was another knock and in came Liz Cutler, Enterprise paramedic, followed by two engineers, Paul Henderson and Mike Williams. Both of them had a firm hand on Liz's butt. Behind them was MACO Amanda Cole, who was practically glowing.

"Hi, Mr Archer," said Liz. "Perhaps you had better sit down." They all adjourned to the small living room, Archer taking one arm chair, Amanda the other. Liz squeezed herself between her two husbands on the sofa leaving Tina and Hoshi to sit on the floor.

Liz, who was being lightly fondled by Paul and Mike, then launched into an explanation. Archer did his best to concentrate on her face and not ON where the men were putting their hands.

"You see when Enterprise crew started having babies, you expressed sadness about not having any children of your own."

Archer nodded, warily. He had a sudden inkling where this was going.

"The problem was, with you not retaining your memories, it would be impossible for you to have any kind of romantic relationship with any of the crew."

Hoshi took over at this point.

"The thing is, sir, the women of the ship look up to you. They respect and admire you." She suddenly blushed. "And many of them find you very attractive."

"In the end, with your agreement after a day's discussion," continued Liz, "we decided to have a lottery. Any women who would want to be impregnated by you would put their names in a hat and we'd pick one out."

"Really?" Said Archer, sounding slightly sceptical. Everyone nodded earnestly.

"And I won," burst out Amanda, "I am so happy about it. We're going to be parents!"

Archer looked at her.

"Did we..." He said faintly, looking very embarrassed. Amanda shook her head.

"In vitro fertilisation." She said. "Not that I wouldn't have, but you were a bit uncomfortable with it."

Archer stood up.

"Could you all give me some time to process this?"

Hoshi nodded sympathetically.

"I understand, Sir." She said. "It must be overwhelming for you."

He left the room, went into the bedroom and shut the door.

"Oh boy!"

He didn't hear the muffled giggling from the living room.

In the living room, Hoshi's comm beeped.

"Hoshi speaking," she said in to the unit.

"Tucker here," said the voice from the Enterprise, "How's it going?"

Hoshi exchanged grins with everyone except Travis who had kicked off his shoes and was adjusting his fake boobs.

"Very well! Are the MACOs in place?"

"Sure are! And T'Pol is still holed up in astrometrics reinstalling the Vulcan database. I figure it'll take another couple of hours."

"We'd better move on to the next phase then, Captain." Hoshi said.

"Roger that, lieutenant.", replied Tucker. "Reed and I will be down in an hour."

"Captain, how did you get Malcolm to agree to this?", interjected Liz, curiously.

"Promised him he could pick the next 3 months of movies for movie night. Enterprise out."

There were eyerolls from Liz and Hoshi. That meant no rom-coms or comedies, and lots of explosions and thrillers for the next three months. On the plus side, no more of the terrible horror movies the Captain insisted on showing.

After about half an hour, Archer heard a knock on the bedroom door.

"Sir, it's me, Hoshi. Can I come in?"

He opened the door.

"Everyone 's gone to the performance, are you coming?"

Having used the time to get dressed, he nodded.

"Sure, what is it?"

"The Nutcracker."

"Didn't you say the MACO's are doing this?" Archer looked confused.

Hoshi nodded and smiled.

"Tucker and Reed send their apologies but they are a little tied up shipside. They'll join us for lunch afterwards.", explained Hoshi as they went out the door.

"How are they getting on? Married, any kids?"

"They are married to each other. No kids" replied Hoshi, glancing at Archer.

"Wow, I never would have guessed," he remarked. "A bit of an odd couple", imagining his ebulliant friend from Florida getting together with the taciturn British Armory Officer.

"Sir, you have no idea."

Eventually he saw a makeshift amphitheatre up ahead. Dozens of crewmembers were sat on the blue-green grass in front of a crude stage.

What he saw over the next hour was something that allegedly wasa ballet. The whole squad of MACOs, excluding Cole, due to her delicate condition, were dressed in pink tutus and combat boots. Clara was played by Hayes, who appeared to be throwing himself into his 'performance'. To Archer's consternation, the audience was watching it as if it was a first class performance by The Royal Ballet. He kept digging his nails into his leg to avoid laughing.

At the end, unlike Clara, he wished he could wake up from this dream, no nightmare, he was in. Today was just getting more and more bizarre. He was startled out of his reverie by thunderous applause. Roses were thrown onto the stage.

Archer decided to make his escape back to his home. When he opened the door, he wish he hasn't. In fact what he really wanted was some brain bleach.

Inside were Reed and Tucker. Tucker was dressed in exceedingly tight leather trousers, with a black silk shirt unbuttoned halfway to his chest, wielding a riding crop. Even that was less disturbing than seeing Reed, normally impeccably and soberly dressed, wearing a red silk corset, red thong, black stockings, stillettos and a leather collar. The collar was attached via a long chain to the waist of Tucker's low slung trousers. He was kneeling at Tucker's feet.

"Oh, hey Jon," said Tucker, nonchalantly. "Sorry we are a bit early."

He unhooked the chain at his waist and gave it a tug. Reed looked up at Archer.

"Hello sir," he said. "Do excuse me, Master says I am a bad boy and must be punished."

"Jeez Trip, I never would have guessed!", said Archer.

"Well, Malcolm was always complainin' about my lack of authority and he was being a general pain in the ass, tellin' me what ta do. So we ended up arguing a lot.  
One night we came to blows, started fightin' but then it kinda got hot an' heavy and we started kissin' and-"

"Stop there," said Archer, grimacing. "I get the picture!"

"Any how, since then our relationship has changed and for the better. I got better at maintainin' discipline on the ship and Malcolm's coping better with his control issues."

Tucker then proceeded to lightly tap Malcolm's ass with the crop.

"That's it." Archer threw his hands up.

"I've now have a transexual helmsperson, Amanda Cole is expecting my child, and that was the worst performance of the Nutcracker I have ever seen. And if Liz and her two husbands wasn't enough, you two show up like extras out of a bad porn movie. I can't take it any more! Could you not have found a better way to tell me these things?"

And he fled to the bedroom, thanking God that his memories of this day wouldn't be permanent. He found himself praying that no one would find a cure.

Back in the sitting room. Tucker had stuffed his hand in his mouth to suppress the giggles.

"Can we get back to the ship, please sir" said Reed, scowling. "This thong is chafing my arse. Oh and make it 6 months."

"Well, ah guess you have gone above and beyond.", smirked Tucker. "Let's go".

And the two men left for the ship.

About 2 hours later, T'Pol contacted the Enterprise. Tucker took the call.

"Captain," said the Vulcan, coolly. "Mr Archer has confined himself to his room and is refusing to come out. Would you care to explain what is going on?"

"I'm sure Jon is fine, T'Pol. I guess Hoshi lacks your gentle touch in breaking all the news to him." Hoshi stared daggers at her Captain.

"I see.", replied T'Pol, in a tone of voice that said the opposite. "I suggest we do not repeat this experiment."

"If that's how you feel, T'Pol. Sorry it didn't go better."

"Indeed, Captain, T'Pol out."

"By the way, Captain. I have finished editing the footage."Hoshi waved a PADD.

"Captain, I strongly object to you showing that to the crew." Reed said, blushing at the thought of his role.

Tucker pouted.

"Spoilsport."

"By the way, Malcolm," said Hoshi, smiling sweetly at the armory officer.

"I'd really like my thong back."


End file.
